


Before It's Over

by sunkissecl



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: AU where Evan kills himself near the start of senior year, Also added a bunch of platonic relationships, Alternate Universe, Angst and Feels, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, I added ship tags but none of them are sure end game, Sort of a character study too?, TW: Suicide, TW: suicidal thoughts, The Evan Project AU, because that's what I really want to explore, multiple POVs, tw: self-harm, tw: self-loathing, tw: suicidal ideation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-08
Updated: 2018-06-08
Packaged: 2019-05-19 17:26:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14878139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunkissecl/pseuds/sunkissecl
Summary: Evan Hansen climbed high enough, and now several teenagers are greatly affected by his death, namely Jared, Alana, Connor, and Zoe. Alana proposes to start the Evan Project, and these four become its founding members. Together, they help each other heal and do their best to be proactive in making sure no one ever follows in Evan's footsteps.Also features messy, complicated teen-aged conflicting feelings because of course it does.Chapter One: Connor's POV. Connor feels guilty that the first thought that crossed his mind was,Well, shit. Evan got to it first.But that doesn't stop him from giving himself the deadline: Friday afternoon.





	Before It's Over

**Author's Note:**

> My Zoe in this story will be more of Olivia Puckett's than Laura Dreyfuss'. [Here's a post about how they differ from each other](http://neglectedrainbow.tumblr.com/post/160175694027/olivia-puckett-as-zoe-murphy). Just thought it'd be interesting to write a different version of Zoe than what the fandom's usually accustomed to.

 

Connor Murphy heard the news from his sister during one unsuspecting dinner. He usually pretends he can’t hear her, even though he can _always_ catch what she whispers or mumbles under her breath. However, this time around, he couldn’t just ignore what she’d said.

 

 _Evan Hansen is dead_ , she said, her voice uncharacteristically sullen and mellow, almost as if she’s trying hard for it to not break. She bit her lip as she refused to let the impending tears escape her eyes. What’s worse is that he died through his own means, at his own hands. _He killed himself_.

 

Connor feels guilty that the first thought that crossed his mind was, _Well, shit. Evan got to it first._ He feels terrible for thinking about it as if it’s some kind of twisted competition, and he’s already buried that thought deep within his mind.

 

Connor walks through the hallway, avoiding eye contact with as many people as possible as per usual. He doesn’t even need to try, though, because everyone at school pretty much either hates him or is afraid of him. But that’s not what’s on his mind right now. He can’t help but think about the banner that they set up above the school’s front doors. It’s a tribute banner to Evan Hansen. _May you rest in peace. You’re with the angels now._ was written on it, along with some suicide hotlines and website links. Connor can’t help but be frustrated at how generic and insincere it sounds.

 

He can hear people murmuring and whispering and talking about Evan Hansen as he entered the hall, and it hasn’t stopped since.

 

“I heard he jumped off a tree.”

 

“Oh my god, really? That’s so sad.”

 

“I know, right? Poor kid. And he was cute, too.”

 

He can feel the anger pent up inside him. He turns around sharply to be met with three girls nearby who’re talking about Evan. He gives them a glare. They notice, and immediately stop talking. They look very uncomfortable.

 

“What’s your deal?” One of them, probably the alpha by the way she’s in the middle and strikes a supermodel pose as she talks, asks.

 

“Oh, it’s nothing, really.” He answers, edging closer to them. The other two girls squeak slightly, backing away slowly with half-steps. “It’s just funny how much you act like you care.”

 

“What’s so wrong with that? You want us to _not_ talk about the kid who just died?” One of the other girls reply, with a hint of fear in her voice.

 

“You talk as if you knew him. I bet you didn’t even know he existed until now.”

 

“That’s mean--”

 

“You weren’t his friend. None of us were his friend before he died, and you should stop pretending that he was!” His voice is now loud enough to attract everyone else’s attention. People shoot looks at Connor, who’s now towering over the three girls, looking undeniably _pissed_.

 

“Wh-What do you know? It’s not like he’d want to be friends with you either!”

 

He ends up in detention after school.

 

_Seven days, Connor. You’ve wasted one of them. What a fucking good job you’ve done._

 

Connor’s been contemplating on suicide, too. In fact, he’s been contemplating about it for a long, long time, and he’s finally decided, before school started, that he’d give himself the first week of school to find _something_ that’s worth living for. _Anything_. Even if it was just something small and silly, he’d reconsider it. And every time he finds something worthwhile, he’d extend his stay until he decides to give up on attempting it for the last time.

 

The first day didn’t go so well.

 

The following day, Connor gets even more isolated from everyone around him. Some of them now shoot daggers at his direction, some of them just whisper or stop talking altogether when he’s nearby, and everyone is always backing away or trying to get as far from him as possible. _What a fucking power move, Connor. You’ve cucked yourself real bad._

 

The only thing that’s worth nothing for the second day is his literature class. Not really what happens in it, though Connor still pays close attention even if he won’t admit it to anyone, but what _doesn’t_ happen. There’s this snarky kid who sits next to him during this class who’s always trying to be cool that sometimes Connor would almost talk to him out of pity. But then he remembers that the he--what’s his name? Jared?--probably only wants to be friends with the cool kids, and god knows Connor is regarded as anything but cool. So he doesn’t talk to him. But he still pays attention to him, sometimes not willingly because Jared can get really distracting in class. Sometimes he’d whisper jokes (often inappropriate, sexual, or both) to no one in particular, and Connor’s raised his eyebrows in response on some occasions. Jared would always look so goddamn proud of himself for coming up with the _worst_ puns in class. They’ve had a pun battle once, because Connor doesn’t only think but _knows_ that he can do way better, and their teacher had to pause the class for a few minutes to chastise them outside of the room. It was mostly Connor’s fault for raising his voice and sounding so angry all the time, but Jared was being pretty noisy without putting effort into his jokes.

 

Not in this session, though. Connor knows that if Evan Hansen has ever had a friend, that’d be Jared Kleinman. He’s seen them interact in school on multiple occasions, and back in middle school, they hung around each other a lot more. He wouldn’t say they’d be friends if he didn’t immediately notice the change in Jared’s atmosphere. In fact, it feels so drastic.

 

Connor glances at Jared. He looks so...numb. His usual shit-eating grin isn’t on his face any more, and there’s no spark in his eye whenever he thinks he’s told a good joke. His eyes are dull and they feel lifeless. He doesn’t talk. He’s never talked since the class has begun, and everyone else can notice it, too. Jared just sits there on his desk, taking down notes, looking completely expressionless.

 

For a moment, Connor does actually want to talk with him, until the bell rings and he takes it as a sign that he probably shouldn’t.

 

Day three rolls around. Connor’s getting more and more impatient. He’s halfway through the week now, and there’s still nothing? _Amazing_. Why is he so frustrated, though? It’s not like it’ll matter if he does fall through with his plan on Friday. People won’t care. People don’t care. People never cared about him and never will. Maybe he’d even fall through early...no, that’d be cheating. If Connor can be proud of himself for one thing, that’s keeping his word to himself.

 

He attends a science class, and he could feel another person’s been genuinely affected by Evan’s death: Alana Beck. He only knows her because they’ve been lab partners last year, and she’s the only one who’s willing to sit next to him for any period. She talks to him occasionally, and he could almost count her as a reason if not for the fact that she probably talks to everybody. Alana has thousands of extracurricular activities she does on a daily basis, so she probably won’t even notice if Connor just disappeared one day because of all the people she’s met. He could feel a slight pang in his chest whenever he remembers this. It’s a shame since he actually sort of likes her--not that he’d admit that, either. She can be stubborn _oftentimes_.

 

Today, Alana Beck has one of those wristbands with Evan’s initials on it that Sabrina Patel started selling during free period. Connor finds it disgusting that people can profit off Evan’s death. There’s no way they actually care about him. He’s just a cash grab. He expected himself to get really angry to see Alana wearing one of those god awful things, because she’s smart and she knows better, but he isn’t. Every time she’d catch a glimpse of her wristband, she’d have this look in her eyes--a hint of sadness and hurt. Connor knows this because he’s very familiar with it. It seems Evan’s death really got to her, and Connor wonders why, because he didn’t really see her or Evan get chummy with each other that much.

 

Thursday. Connor notices Jared wearing a long-sleeved shirt. He never wears long-sleeved shirts unless he wears his hoodie (which is also a rarity on its own). In fact, he remembers that Jared actually wore a long-sleeved shirt during Tuesday morning, too. That’s really weird.

 

He eats dinner with his family tonight, something he hasn’t done since Monday because of his incident with Taylor Morris, hoping that maybe they can give him _something_ to hold onto. He has one day left.

 

He notices Zoe’s also been sad about Evan’s death. He knows she’s always had some sort of puppy crush on him since last year, and it kind of pisses him off that Zoe didn’t even try to be friends with Evan. Maybe if she did, he wouldn’t be dead right now. But he can’t blame her alone. _He_ also had the chance to be friends with Evan, but he didn’t do anything. He thinks what Carrie Mueller said would be true, though. Evan wouldn’t want to be friends with Connor. In fact, he thinks Evan would be _scared_ of him just like everyone else. So he decides not to dwell on it any more.

 

The day.

 

Connor made his way to the spot he chose as soon as the final bell rang. He’s climbing up the stairs now, almost too quickly, his footsteps making a lot of noise.

 

He chose this building that’s relatively close to his house. It’s a small bell tower in their local park. He chose it because it’s got a nice view of all the sceneries he grew up with. He’d overdose, but he thought about this long and hard, and decided that the best way to go about it is to jump. Overdosing didn’t work for him once, and he couldn’t risk getting caught again.

 

He reaches the top. He could feel the wind blowing against his yellow cardigan. It’s almost peaceful.

 

Suddenly, Connor catches something near the corner of his eye. A figure sitting on the railing, across from where he stands. He recognizes this figure. His eyes widen. Someone got here before him.

 

The figure’s been rocking back and forth, before stopping. He slowly stands up.

 

Connor could feel his heart racing as he dashes toward him. All of his thoughts suddenly vanish, and there’s only one thing that’s on his mind right now.

 

“Jared! _Don't you fucking dare!!_ ” Connor shouts, as loudly as his lungs can muster, because if he couldn’t make it in time, he could at least do his best to catch Jared’s attention.

 

Jared stops and turns his head. He gives Connor a a sad, apologetic look before leaning forward.

 

Connor leaps through the remaining miles between them and reaches out his arms, trying desperately to get a grasp of Jared.

 

And they say humans can’t fly.

**Author's Note:**

> Goal: 5 comments to publish chapter 2!
> 
> I'd love some feedback, because honest to goodness this fic is the one I'm MOST excited for. Comments about my characterization are especially appreciated because I'm really trying to venture into these characters. I'm also doing my best to gather as much info as I can about different cast members' different versions of characters, so feel free to share your observations if you've seen them live before! ^^ Especially Connor's actors, since there's so little of the actual him in the show.


End file.
